back to work

Back to School | Learning How to Write Aged 49 and Three Quarters!

So today I went back to school!  I was surprisingly un-nervous about the whole thing considering I haven’t set foot in a classroom for something like 10 years – and that was for a Spanish evening class. Admittedly it’s only a two day course, but the prospect of returning to the ‘big smoke’ after a long absence and having to mingle with grown ups and hot young digital executives plying their trade on an IDM Digital Copywriting course, should have made me quiver in my dinosaur skin boots. The prospect of having the luxury of a total of three hours on the train to focus on my long ‘to do list’ soon evaporated any fear!

And sure enough I was pleasantly surprised. I didn’t feel old at all, despite the fact that when I actually looked around the room, I had 20 years, if not 30 on most of the people in it.  That was with the notable exception of the course tutor,  who looked exactly how you would imagine a communications lecturer in the mid 80s to have looked! That at least hasn’t changed. The subject matter has of course changed dramatically. He introduced himself as somebody who had been writing since ‘before the internet’ was invented, and that gave me much comfort indeed.

He was of course exceedingly knowledgable, which also gave me hope that there is value in the digital world, and some inspiration in the creativity, flexibility and freedom that it allows you. He addressed his varied audience appropriately and enthusiastically, and I felt like I belonged in that room – a very pleasant surprise.

So why did I feel the need to ‘go back to school’? Well, I have been thinking about that. I have always loved to write. Apparently I was okay at it at school, but somebody forgot to tell me that, which was why an A in my English ‘O’ Level was a bit of a shock to me.  But in all honesty I assumed that it was because I hadn’t had to revise for it!  Ds in RE & Sociology seemed to bear that out!

As my life has gone on, people have said things like, ‘I love the way you write’, ‘you’re a good writer you know’ and ‘I love getting your letters’. And over time, I have slowly come to realise that writing is not only something that I love to do, but that sometimes people actually enjoy reading what I’ve produced.

Thanks to the extraordinary age of the internet, it has become gloriously easy to ‘publish’ yourself for the enjoyment of others, but mainly yourself, these days, with absolutely no experience or qualifications to justify it.  I finally took that plunge about three years’ ago creating not one but two blogs, and I’ve never looked back. To write is a joy – to have it read, an even greater one, to have web stats confirm that even strangers have read it, and have people say nice things..a dream come true.

But the truth is, despite having worked in marketing, and having written many many pieces of copy over the years, I have never actually been paid to ‘write’! Writing has been part of my job, but a very varied job indeed. I have never felt that I was getting paid to do that specific thing – partly also, I am sure, because I’d blagged my way into most of those jobs with other skills!

One day last year I got a phone call asking me if I was interested in a freelance copywriting role. I didn’t get it, but almost immediately I realised that that is what I wanted to do. At that point I didn’t have the confidence to even consider charging people money for my writing, and even though I write a lot of stuff for free for various organisations, that leap seemed too great. Writing for free is easy to do – nobody is judging you for something they don’t pay for, and they are often even grateful.

All of this prompted me to think that I needed some benchmark to make me feel like I actually knew what I was doing. Despite having spent almost 8 years doing some sort of social media, blogging and online marketing entirely self taught, I just didn’t feel like I did.  After some research I found a lovely little 2-day course run by the Institute of Direct & Digital Marketing specifically on Digital Copywriting – a perfect way to check in and make sure that what I’ve been bluffing my way through had some value.

And after day one I’m feeling pretty positive! Yes, I need to adopt some disciplines specific and important to digital copy and think things through in greater detail. But when the lecturer went round the room and asked what we would take away from the day, I said I would be thinking about who I was writing for in future.  Because in all honesty, I have always written for me, the act of splurging words a pleasure in itself. Which is probably why I often feel embarrassed about what I write – because it’s self indulgent.

To write for a living would be a dream come true – of that there is no doubt, but to do that I must learn to write for others. And that has to be my overriding lesson from my first day back at school!  That and that according to Ernest Hemingway, every first draft is shit!  Well that’s a relief!

PS. I think I’ve just broken just about every single rule that I have learned today, but practise makes perfect, and I’ve always been a bit of a rebel in the classroom!

 

motherhood

HIGH HEELS AND NERVES OF STEEL!

Six years ago, I had a crazy busy job and a crazy busy life which included dashing back and forth to clinics in my seemingly impossible quest to become a mum – an abstract concept as it turns out, one that you simply cannot describe until it happens to you.  Finally, after endless disappointments, I had what many women take totally for granted – a totally normal 12 week scan, and from that moment on…life will never be the same again!  With enormous angst and trepidation in my heart, I set about finding the balance of carrying on with life as normal just in case, just in case…the fear of disappointment never leaving me, and taking care of myself for the remainder of my pregnancy.

In the midst of all of this, a bundle of chaos and catastrophe also enters our lives in the form of Duncan, the Springer Spaniel, and my fear that he would be sure to savage my new born baby as soon as she enters the world, only adds to the pressure.  But 7 months later, a bundle of pure perfection arrives in my life…hairy and screaming and not without a little bit of drama, but unbelievably, miraculously perfect nonetheless and of absolutely no interest to Duncan since she isn’t round and doesn’t bounce.  From that moment on, my life became a different sort of crazy. Every second of every day devoted to that little person who I had no idea would rely on me for absolutely and literally everything.  I’m sure it didn’t say that on the tin!

A conspiracy of silence exists for sure. We’ve all seen a gazillion photos of exhausted mum, small Churchill lookalike wrapped in hospital blanket, and proud dad, but I for one had no idea what was going to happen from that point on.  I remember driving home with Ella in her car seat thinking, what now…what actually happens now?  How do I spend my days? What do I do with her? Where will I put her – in a box perhaps? Over time that stuff all works itself out.  You get into a routine, you work your way through the phases…each one different, each one not in the slightest bit easier despite the reassurances and promises, until you realise you’ve been at this lark for nearly 5 years and that that bundle is about to start school.  So now what?

The constant internal and external debates and discussions about the merits and stresses of being a full time mum versus a working mum reach a whole new level, especially when had in tandem with ‘the great school debate’.  But the fact is  I’m going to have six hours a day to myself that I haven’t had for 5 years.  For me, it is a no brainer.  I simply have to find something to do that doesn’t involve the V word –  voluntary – doesn’t involve any form of baking and doesn’t bear any resemblance to anything ‘mummsy’.  Chutney making was merely another thing I needed to know how to do, but I shan’t be doing it again – been there, done that!  I have to remind myself who I was – my pre-baby self I mean.  Not all of it obviously, because I’m sure I’ve learned a million valuable lessons since then, but I was a strong and independent career woman and I want to show her a bit of that so that she can become a strong independent woman herself.

And thanks to my sister, I find myself a nice little gig – an admin job with potential.   More than I could ever have dreamed of.  And with butterflies in my tummy, and a fair deal of self doubt in my heart, I squeeze into my office skirt of yesteryear which amazingly and thanks to my life of chasing around a 4 year old with barely a moment to feed myself, still fits perfectly. And a pair of M&S high heels that Ella has set her heart on and been clomping around in since I brought them home the night before.  For the first time in a very long time I feel good…very good.  I almost feel like I have woken up from a dream.

Ella can see I look different, and she stands on her tippy toes to give me a big hug and say, have a good day mummy…like she knows.  And for 6 hours I immerse myself in learning systems and procedures, and where the coffee machine is, and barely give my beautiful girl a second thought.  And when I do see her, when I pick  her up from nursery, I have never seen anything more beautiful.  I can’t think of anything or anyone I would rather see, and I think she is looking at me as if to say, don’t worry about me mummy, I’m a big girl now and as long as you keep loving and hugging and showing me the way, I’ll be alright if you go and do something else, something apart from being my mummy.  Because you will always be my mummy.

Being Ella’s mummy is the greatest privilege on earth, and I don’t regret one single minute of my time with her over the last 4 1/2 years, although I probably wish I had yelled at her a little less.  But I am looking forward to getting back to a ‘real’ world, to a world where mention is seldom made of potty training, baby led weaning or even breastfeeding.  A world that I could not have envisaged returning to in anything other than a pair of high heels!

 

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